Sunday, February 17, 2013

#3: First Lines of Books I May Someday Write

1) "Nancy! The real reason this marriage is doomed to fail is because you're a Ms. Slutty McSlutterton!" Edgar exclaimed pugnaciously.


2) The 4th of July came every year for the Smith family and each year they celebrated it. Every year without fail the 4th came right after the 3rd, but right before the 5th, like clockwork. After several years Dad Smith grew suspicious. Maybe, he thought, it wasn't like clockwork. Maybe it was clockwork. Then his head exploded.


3) Two weeks of worrying had finally come to an end when Steve's dermatologist gave him the news that the mole on his lower back was not, in fact, cancerous. His worries only doubled however when the doctor informed him that the enormous bumps on his areolas were cancerous tumors and not, in fact, "super nips," as Steve affectionately called them.


4) Once again, just like last year, Wyatt got stuck stuck riding Apple, the miniature pony, for the annual cattle drive when they pushed the herd to market. And although the mini pony had saved Wyatt's life on more than one occasion, there were a lot of reasons Wyatt hated riding Apple. The fact that Wyatt was six feet tall and 220 pounds was definitely number one. Apple's constant bouncing and Wyatt's recent vasectomy didn't help much either.

23 comments:

Mike said...

5) The plan was to stay in Florida for two years. The plan was a lot of other things. The plan was falling apart. No one knew the anger and resentment that was slowly building within his soul. His life, his dreams, his livelihood were on the line. AK 47's weren't cheap. All these school shootings were tightening the belt on gun control. Screw gun control. Screw the Illuminati. If he didn't stand up this time who would he become? He'd become a modern day slave like the Korean women who work at the dark and shotty massage parlor aka sex factory off of 2nd and Main.

Mike said...

The son of a bitch wouldn't listen...so I made face soup out of his face.

The UnMighty said...

I think Face Soup was the soup of the day at Texas Roadhouse today.

bex said...

i would read most of these.

Trevor said...

Several page turners in there............at least I can imagine them as page turners.

Jules said...

I love #4

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